My Unofficial Handicap Index

One of these days I will get an official handicap. In golf, a handicap is what enables golfers of various skill levels to compete on an equal basis. Most people think it’s the average number of strokes above par that you take to finish a round. But it’s a bit more complicated than that. It involves course ratings and slope ratings, as well as your scores on at least 5 of your past rounds.

To get an official USGA handicap, you can apply through a golf club or association licensed to give out handicap indexes.

To really level the playing field, though, I think other factors should come into play aside from getting an extra stroke allowance. For a match to be truly fair, my opponent would need to have some of these items on my "unofficial" handicap index:

- long hair that won’t stay put under a hat

- a bunion on at least one foot

- the kind of blood that mosquitoes like

- a bad case of hydrophobia (fear of hitting over water)

- a worse case of sciophobia (fear of hitting over my own shadow)

- golf shoes without cleats

and last but not least…

- a need to pee after every third hole